Sorry to be absent so long, folks. I realized earlier this week it’d been almost a month since I last posted.
I’ve debated writing this post for a long time, but have finally decided it will make me feel better to write it, so here it goes.
The last few months have been really different and difficult for me. As many of you know, my husband and I split up this past summer. (Many of you astutely read between the lines of some of my posts and tweets and privately reached out to me, for which I am very grateful. Believe me, I am.) I’ve promised him I will not divulge a lot about it on this blog and that will continue out of respect to him and what we had together for over 11 years. We were married for 6 this past August but had been together for a while before that. What I will say is that he is a really decent, good human being, and one that I’ve really, really hurt. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about that. I really do hope he will someday find someone who is worthy enough for him to love, not someone like me, who didn’t truly appreciate everything she had.
My running was pretty much the only thing that was helping me keep it together these past few months. That, and some very good friends (some new, some old) who would listen to me and offered support without judgment. And some family members who did the same. August and September were hectic, with both work, and getting settled in my new “home” – a 1 BR apartment in the city, which is really different from living in the suburbs in a 3 BR house with a lawn, and perennial/tomato/veggie gardens. It’s part of the reason I jumped on this apartment – out front is the city, and in back is the reservoir. If I run to the right outside of my building, there’s the city, and if I run to the left, there’s the college of BC, and the rich suburbs with mansions to run by and gape at. But, I’ve not lived in the city since I was about 26, and so it feels really weird to be back here.
Thing is, the hecticness of those few months was good for me. It distracted me from thinking about what I had decided to do, and how different everything is now. But, you can’t run from everything, literally and figuratively. When the craziness of the schedule wore off, I was left with the sadness and loneliness I’ve tried to avoid. I’d been taking natural supplements to try to help my mood for a few months, but finally decided that they weren’t working. I thought that they, along with just trying to maintain a positive attitude, and “mind over matter” kind of thing was all that I needed. I’d done a lot of work at changing my attitude from a negative one to a positive two years ago when I ran my one and only marathon, so I thought I could do the same thing again.
But, unfortunately it’s not enough. So, I’ve begun taking anti-depressants. Some might think that it’s a cop-out to take them. I also thought so, for a long time, and have resisted it a lot. But I finally just decided that my therapist is correct, and I need help.
It’s not easy for me to ask for help (in any way), or to take a pill that can alter the way my brain works. But one thing I’ve learned is that when you are clinically depressed, after a while your brain changes the way it makes decisions, and creates new routines. When you feel sad, guilt, shame and low self-esteem every day, it can be very exhausting, and things can definitely be cloudy. I’ve also noticed I’m much angrier than I used to be. I’ve directed some of it at my family and at others for reasons I can’t explain, other than I’m hurting. So, I’m definitely not making decisions like I used to. I realize it’s going to take time to get the dosage right, and I’m hoping we eventually find it.
I used to savor my time alone. For the past few months, anytime I saw a weekend in front of me with nothing planned, I would feel panic. Actual panic. I’ve never done well with unstructured time but it’s been much worse lately. I am just now starting to get over those feelings, but not completely.
A good friend said I should really reach out to friends now. But to do so feels selfish, and it makes me feel like I’m being needy and they’re just feeling sorry for me for being lonely. A part of me knows that it’s wrong to think that way, but the sad, depressed side of me keeps sending those messages.
I keep thinking of the people I’ve decided to not have as part of my life now, and I miss them. Then, I feel guilty for missing them, because it’s my choices that brought me to this place and feeling like this. I don’t feel like I have the right to miss them, and then I get angry with myself. Facing that anger, guilt, and loneliness and wondering if it’s going to always be with me, and wondering whether I will always be alone from now on – it’s terrifying.
And I’ve also been injured the past few weeks. I hurt my hip during the Tufts 10K race, and then continued running, thinking it was a thing that would go away. I ran another 10K the following weekend (yep, way behind on my race reports), and actually got my official time down to 51:02 (garmin time of 50:56.) I thought maybe I could break the 50 minute mark by this year, but now I’m not so sure. Not being able to run, coupled with just starting the medicine, has been really difficult. I’ve been seeing a physical therapist twice a week, and cross-training but it’s just not the same. I ran for the first time in two weeks yesterday, and it hurt a bit, but it also felt good to be able to run again.
For the record, Bill is supportive of my taking the medication. Even though I have put him through hell these past few months, he still wants me to feel better, and I do too. He’s been very agreeable to my spending time with Ruthie, which is really helpful. (She’s with me today, actually, so we’re gonna take a drive to the Blue Hills this afternoon, so she can see where her doggie mom ran a half marathon this past June. She’s kind of a country bumpkin here in the city, so she should feel right at home down there.)
So I’m going to try to take it one day at a time, and try to face the thoughts and doubts that have been bothering/haunting me the past few months. And try to not be so confused and feel guilt all of the time. Because it’s an awful way to feel.
What’s the tagline of my blog? “Moving forward with optimism.” I hope I can do that again.
November 12, 2010 at 4:29 pm
Oh Terri… I’m glad you wrote this down. I’m positive that you can “move forward with optimism” again. I have to be, otherwise there isn’t hope for any of us! I know just how hard it can be to feel like everything is off. I am on an anti-depressant… have been for about 7 months or so. I resisted for a long time, but I guess I needed something to help me because I couldn’t “fix” myself on my own or just by talking.
I also completely identify with feeling selfish if you reach out to others. I am terrible at reaching out for support from others. I’m constantly told that I need to build a bigger support network around myself, it’s just really hard. Especially when there are so many messages about how we have to be self-reliant. I guess it’s hard for me to recognize that being independent and needing friends/family aren’t completely separate.
HUGS to you… I really do have nothing but good thoughts for you!
November 12, 2010 at 9:05 pm
Thanks, Jill. I remember a post of yours from a few months back when you opened up about a major problem, and you gave me strength to write this one by thinking about that.
November 13, 2010 at 1:19 am
Terri, it sounds like you are definitely moving in the right direction. Like I said before, someday soon, this will all be a memory.
I don’t think you are “copping out” by taking medication. You need to do what is best for you to be healthy.
As you know, my life has been pretty tough this year. It took me a while, but I am finally leaning on my friends a little more than I used to. I have accepted the fact that it is not selfish. Wouldn’t you want to be there for them if the tables were turned? I think we all go through periods when we are “needy.” But we turn around and pay it forward.
My offer stands for you to have a place to stay when you need a getaway to a sunny coast. 🙂
November 13, 2010 at 6:17 pm
man lisa’s offer sounds pretty nice. way better than sc in the winter anyway! 🙂
well i know it’s easy to say this but another thing to do – but don’t feel guilty for leaning on friends. true friends are there to support you in the rough times and won’t mind!
it would be one thing if you started feeling ‘off’ and went straight to meds, but you didn’t. you tried a number of “things” to try and “fix” it, sometimes the chemicals in the brain are just off and that can’t be “fixed” by running, talking to someone, etc. i certainly hope they help! (i say “fix” like that b/c i don’t think you are broken!)
and once again i feel majorly dense for not being able to read between the lines. even when we visited in april… just never would have thought!
always here for you, you know that!
November 13, 2010 at 6:40 pm
This is a very brave post, Terri. I’m glad that you wrote it because there are a lot of other people out there that likely need medication or some type of therapy to get their brain chemistry in balance again and won’t do it. Instead, they make everyone around them as miserable as they are and don’t realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
November 13, 2010 at 7:03 pm
Terri,
I am glad you wrote this post. Please consider it a great act of bravery and I hope it showed you how you are doing what is right for you – which is all that matters. You need to put yourself first.
Sending you a big hug!
November 13, 2010 at 10:44 pm
So many things to say to you that I won’t fit them in here. Most important is that it gets better. It gets better. Time is a wonderful doctor for the soul. You won’t be the same, but it gets better.
November 14, 2010 at 8:23 am
I completely understand how you feel about taking medication. But, having also been through a few severe and very scary episodes of depression, I can also say I might not even be here today if it weren’t for my anti-depressants. Once you and your psychiatrist find the right dose (and the right medication–it can take a while), a lot of the feelings of guilt about reaching out to people will get better. It may not go away entirely but soon it will be easier for you to start thinking in a more rational way, and to push away those depressive thoughts.
Even though we only know each other a little bit through the blog world, feel free to get in touch if you ever want to talk to someone. I promise I will never, ever feel burdened 🙂 And it does get better, I can also promise that.
November 14, 2010 at 1:11 pm
Just echoing everyone else’s thoughts on what a brave post that was, Terri. You’re showing real courage in tackling this stuff head on. I don’t think taking meds is a cop-out, and please don’t feel like you’re being selfish for leaning on your friends! Lisa called it — you’d be there for any of us, so why wouldn’t we be there for you?
Sending you big hugs too.
November 14, 2010 at 2:44 pm
Terri,
I have been where you are. I have had those feelings! You will feel better! And you will be stronger because of it!
As for leaning on friends-that is absolutely mandatory!! When I went thru my divorce, the one thing I didnt have was a good support system of women who i could lean on for ANYTHING! I realized then that friends are one of the most important things anyone can have in their lives!
The most important thing to remember is you have to be happy with yourself! You must feel happy! Being sad, alone sucks ass! I know, I’ve been there-I’ve been in that depressed funk, crying because I’m alone or no one loves me! You have taken the steps to get out of that funk! I am so very proud of you!!!
I’m so glad you are having time with Ruthie-I know some people may think I’m a wierdo, but Velcro and my kitties were the only thing that saved me when my boyfriend of 3 years moved out on me one friday night while I was at work…I cant tell you how much they helped! They saved my life and brought me happiness!!
You know you can call, email DM me anytime!!!! And you too have a free place to stay in LA if you want to come out for a little vacay!! Liking cats and dogs is a must when you stay with me….ok, and swirling animal hair! 🙂
I promise you the pain, guilt, sadness will go away and you will be back better and stronger and happy!!!!
Love you!!
November 23, 2010 at 11:43 am
I am so sorry to hear everything you are going through. I am happy to hear that you are getting the help that you need to move forward! Have a wonderful week 🙂
December 21, 2010 at 9:10 am
Terri,
I bumped into your post and for many reasons, I felt like I was reading between the lines on my blog. I went thru a devastating breakup earlier this year that brought me to my knees. But biking, running and therapy, mixed with a healthy dose of time has helped smooth my path to recovery. I am not there yet, but I am getting there.
I kept busy all summer to avoid the pain. I even quit smoking after 30+ years. I did everything I could not to face the pain. In the end, the only way to really start healing is to “sit in the fire”.
This was a courageous post on your part. It is your part of sitting in the fire. Keep leaning on your friends, on your running and your medicinal therapy. Time will heal the wounds. I am in the middle of healing. I have good days, I have bad days, but it is getting easier, just as it will for you.
Blessings
January 3, 2011 at 5:54 pm
Terri, I am kicking myself for just finding this post! I wish I had been more able to respond when you wrote it. I’m so glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself during this really difficult time. Anyone who says taking anti-depressants are a cop-out hasn’t felt their effects. They are certainly no magic happy pill (gosh wouldn’t that be great?!) Personally, I just feel like I’m more able to roll with the punches when I’m on them, and more able to keep functioning at work and at home and just keep getting out of bed on a daily basis when before when I didn’t have the strength or my thoughts swirled with so much crazyness that I couldn’t see straight – let alone get work done. I’m so proud of you for getting help and doing what you know is best for yourself even though it entailed making some very hard decisions. I’m so glad to call you a friend as well. If you ever want to get out of the cold over there remember you have a friend in sunny AZ with a cozy guest room 🙂 Love ya. Write or call anytime.